there’s a fly buzzing around the room. it’s the same one that’s been ‘bugging’ me for the past few days. he’s been trapped here with me and frantically maniacally flying around, which in this moment sounds especially shrill and difficult to ignore. simultaneously this moment i’m tapping into a certain doom vibe reverberating deep within that’s now getting exacerbated with my annoyance of this bugger. just been cruising through the jungle of facebook, absorbing the impassioned rants and outcries of my network friends on trump’s election, it’s like bathing in a whole vibrant spectrum of intense feelings. i feel united in the anger the appalling shock and the call for a deeper empowerment and unity arising through it all. im touched to the core, my body responds with fire and water – deep within the belly a raging fire for justice and liberty up towards the chest to the quelling welling up of tears. sensations occurring in the cytoplasm of scary heavy apprehension about what is to come here in the US of A and the rest of the world. the fly buzzes dangerously loud and close by my ear and in that split moment something snaps and i want to squelch him out of my existence. just STOP OR DIE OR LEAVE!!! I am anguished. Pearl the poodle peacefully snores beside me, we are co-existing in the same room but very different realities. i realize: here i am, victim and perpetrator All in One. like shampoo + conditioner in 1. thanks Fly, i know there is a deeper riddle here to uncover.
my initial transition to LA has been polka dotted with varying opacities of Terror in the emotional realm amidst a backdrop of bright sunny Warm Welcome vibes soaking through the physical body. like a starved junkie i’m finally getting my injection of Vitamin D, getting this biological need met royally, yet not able to defend myself from the harassments from the big polka dot of Terror, who insists on getting an answer Right Now on how i will manage to sustain myself here now in America without entering the Hamster Hustle Wheel and what will happen when my money runs out this ain’t no Berlin no more where artists and creatives can somehow get by and have loads of free time are you CRAZY for thinking you can transplant what you had there to USA soil where times are tough what about health insurance you gotta work hard for your money to survive everyone knows it you naive weirdo you’re gonna end up a pauper and on the streets and everyone will laugh and diss you cuz you’re not cooperating with how things really work around here *ends with sneer and bloodcurdling cackle* of course this Polka Dot of Terror entity has encoded within it the Mom Vocoder Effect, who generously in actuality did right before my coming to LA did make sure to amp up the Fear and Worry Levels (which is in her view the ’natural’ way of expressing concern and love) in conjuction with stuffing me with a huge box of persimmons on sale from the korean market and a month’s worth of groceries from Costco “so you dont have to spend your money”. on one hand, it’s like Thanks mom for getting me this stuff, but also within it comes a sense of scary threat of scarcity that i should prepare for.
i knew it was coming. the Polka dots of Terror eventually gathered together like dark clouds and i felt the forces reach their pinnacle in a storm of very uncomfortable psychic attacks, firing off very intense stress responses in the body. the thoughts that were triggered within me are: it’s a dangerous scary world, i am Not supported, total destitution, i will be ostracized and left for dead, AND my wishes and dreams dont matter. i could feel the tremors of these fears reverberating deep into my bones. this experience is one of the deepest ventures into my root belief systems i have ever encountered. perhaps there is a connection to my recent visit to Mt. Shasta, said to be the root chakra of the Earthbody, that is bringing up my own root chakra issues up to conscious visceral view for healing review. (root chakra – the psychoenergetic center of the body that governs security, safety at the most base root level.) i let myself experience what was happening in my body COMPLETELY. i breathed space through and around these tightly wound wounded thoughts, talking to them, treating them like scared abandoned orphans who had never seen compassion or kindness before. i realized that the suffering spontaneously became a yin yoga ritual i was performing on myself using mantra of ‘i am supported’ and ‘infinite peace’ . feeling the moment to moment battle of the fear forces vs. mantra, the clash and opposition, it almost felt like an energetic whip lash swinging from very polarized places of total utter screechy consuming starving desperate panic to Actually All is Well Neutrality allowing ALL OF IT to co-exist&contradict while taking myself deeper and deeper through focused breath- heart opening and grounding poses of total receptivity and openness to feeling and embracing the Talons of Fear digging into my deepest softest vulnerabilities, to Know that this is the gateway for myself to open wider and deeper into my being. i emerged from this session with a whole new surge of peace and clarity on my purpose and what i can offer to the world. (hello Universe I am available to bring Yin Ritual to LA and Beyond)i was able to switch from the painful place of valuing (or rather devaluing) myself from an extrinsic external perspective of societal values that wreak havoc on natural processes of our bodies and the planetary body to coming back inside my body to connect to my own intrinsic universal power. the immensity of power of life force we all possess is infinite and Always Here. we are powerful creators and healers of our own lives. i know that it is especially critical Now for the individual to reclaim this innate inherent cosmic power, to feel it coursing through our bodies again, to transform terror fear insecurity into Gold, that we have the power to generate our own stability and security not from our government but in our “ability to connect with the cosmic power that creates all things” (thanks, Louise Hay)